Stranger in a Plains Land ~ 3

Of all the things I have discovered here, the magic of frozen fog is my favorite.

As I was leaving my office one evening last winter, it was foggy, but the temperature was well below freezing. It was probably -20 degrees Fahrenheit. As the fog hit my face, it felt like teeny tiny ice petals brushing across my skin. The fog was frozen. It was such a strange sensation. The next morning was my initiation to the magic of frost.

The picture above was taken at my favorite playground in town--Sherlock Playground. It's all wood and castle-like. Very Scandinavian.

A friend of mine told me that what you see in these pictures is hoar frost, but I think some of it may actually be rime frost.

I am no meteorologist--though I am obsessed with weather--so I can't reliably tell the difference in types of frost. I do know that it's beautiful.

I can tolerate day after day of freezing weather to be rewarded with this. These pictures were all taken last year, but we had a pretty good frost day a few days ago. I just couldn't find my camera...

When the frost visited us a few days ago, I told the boy that the frost faerie had painted all the trees.

He asked, where did she go? Can we see her?

I said she was very tiny and maybe even invisible and probably very tired from all the frosting she had done.

I said we should be thankful that she visited us. 

We can add the frost faerie to the other lies I've been delighted to tell him.

Although these pictures are beautiful, they do not do the frost justice. I wish I had a better camera, or better editing skills. I always feel like I'm cheating if I mess with the image too much...

...so I feel compelled to confess that I played around with the color on the picture below. It was actually taken right outside of the Psychology building.

The picture below is one of the trees in our front yard. I think it's some kind of crab apple and the berries stay on through the entire winter. It's nice to have that little splash of color when you are surrounded by winter.

Admittedly, I feel lucky because we get many blue sky days and sunshine. Those clear, sunny days mess with my head because it looks warm and inviting inside, and then when I walk outside, the air screams GOTCHA and laughs.

I'd like to learn how to cook something with this fruit. It makes a terrible mess in the spring.
The berries litter the sidewalks, and then the tree blooms again.

Frost fingers...

Confessions of a swamped college instructor

Students in my Advanced Social Psychology course have a big research proposal paper due on Wednesday. They've completed several assignments up to the final paper, including a rough draft that I provided feedback on (which is totally time consuming and I'd like students to know that when an instructor asks for a rough draft you shouldn't complain--they are doing you a FAVOR).

I taught this course once before and radically restructured it this time to place more of a focus on their papers because I think it's the most important part of the course. They are asked to come up with a research question, design an experiment to test their question, and give detailed predictions about what they expect to find. They are all required to have individual meetings with me at least once during the process, and additional meetings if necessary. This paper requires that they become familiar with a particular topic (of interest to THEM), think very hard about methodology and control, and really think through their hypotheses so that the resulting paper is coherent and (I hope) theory-driven.

Wednesday was listed as TBA on the syllabus, and my original plan was to watch videos or discuss topics that had been left hanging from other days. I like to build in a few days of "padding" just in case I am sick, classes or canceled, or they are hopelessly confused about something.

I told them today that since their final paper was due on Wednesday that I was canceling class just in case they needed that extra time to do a few more edits, and that they could turn the paper in to my mailbox by 4 PM. I framed the class cancellation as a reward for their hard work, and they have worked hard.

But the other, more earnest reason I decided to cancel class is that I am totally swamped and didn't want to scramble to prep something, especially if it was just something to fill time. In some sense, it was a reward for all of us. I've been very pleased with our class discussions and the amount of material we've covered this semester. If I really felt that there was something they weren't understanding or that they had been slacking off, I wouldn't cancel class, regardless of the prep time required.

I have to say, I am totally looking forward to that extra 75 minutes on Wednesday.

F*ck You, TSA

I feel physically ill after watching this. There may be another side to this, but what appears here seems like a clear case of harassment, especially all the time that she was left to wait for a 30 second pat down, and the fact that she couldn't touch her belongings even after they had been screened. It is appalling that TSA doesn't know its own guidelines. I'm one of the people who thought the body-scanner thing might be blown out of proportion (I haven't decided yet), but this is simply inexcusable. It made me well up with tears.

Our New Safety Overlords - Megan McArdle - National - The Atlantic

UPDATE: After doing a few more searches on this, the incident apparently occurred in February. That doesn't make it any better, but hopefully there was some disciplinary action. I can't seem to find any further info.

Perplexed

The boy busted out some sidewalk chalk this morning, and asked to go color with it outside. We told him he couldn't really color on the sidewalk because it's very cold and wet and there's snow outside, but I brought out his Ikea* art easel that's been put away for several months because he didn't have much of an interest in it at the time.

He drew some pictures and I asked if he would like a wet cloth to clean the chalk off so he could draw new pictures. He said, yes please (because he has been very polite lately).

I grabbed a white wash cloth and dampened it and brought it over to him. He wiped the chalk board, and then looked confused, and looked at the part of the cloth that he had been using to wipe the board. I knew exactly what he was thinking--he was wondering how the white cloth that didn't have black paint on it made the board black again. Not just black, but really black. Darker than the parts he hadn't wiped! He continued to wipe the board off and occasionally look at the washcloth, perplexed. He said, mama, it makes it black. I thought about explaining that it was really just taking the chalk off and leaving black board behind, but he'll figure it out soon enough. In the mean time, it's fun to watch him wonder.


*I chose to specifically mention that the easel was from Ikea and link to their site because compared to catalogs from other stories (like JC Penney, Target), their catalog is far more gender neutral and doesn't make me want to vomit from stereotype poisoning. The boys and girls in an Ikea catalog play with all the toys, and I do not feel blinded by pinky pinks and bluesy blues. Men are shown cooking and holding babies. I feel dirty after I look at catalogs from other stores.  

Also, they have a great selection of toys that have grown with my child because they are open-ended (i.e. the child is an active part of the play experience rather than being passively entertained). These toys don't require batteries. And they are reasonably priced. He still plays with the trains I started buying him when he was 18 months old, the stacking cups I got him when he was 2, and pretty much any other toy I've ever bought him from this retailer.

Stranger in a Plains Land ~ 2

Here are some more terms I've become familiar with since moving to the Nodak:

Lutefisk ~ "It is said that about half the Norwegians who immigrated to America came in order to escape the hated lutefisk, and the other half came to spread the gospel of lutefisk's wonderfulness." I haven't tried the stuff because I've yet to encounter it. I'd try it if given the "opportunity" to do so.

Dinner vs. Supper ~ Dinner is the meal that you eat in the middle of the day. Supper is what you eat in the early evening. Where I come from, you eat lunch mid-day and dinner in the evening. My mother is from the South, so I knew these meals were called dinner and supper in the South, but didn't realize it applied to the Midwest as well.

Church Supper ~ increasingly less common, sadly, from what I hear. Here's a nice article from the 1940s. I might be an atheist, but I'm still a big fan bringing big groups of people together, especially over food.

Lefse ~ It's like a potato tortilla. In fact, I prefer to use these as tortillas rather than the things that pass as tortillas, but they are spendy--about $1 each. I'm going to have to learn to make tortillas. I think if I could do that, lefse would soon follow.

Hotdish ~ Hotdish is pretty much anything that you mix in an oven-safe dish and bake. It typically contains some kind of starchy food, some kind of protein, some kind of vegetable, and it's mixed together with a sauce, i.e. canned soup.

What's that you say? You say that the thing I have described is called a casserole? Oh no--you are mistaken. A casserole is the dish you cook stuff in. Hotdish is the food in the dish. 

The most ubiquitous of the hotdishes (or at least the one I keep hearing about) is tater tot hotdish. Mmmm. You had me at tater tots.

Birth and Death and Ear Movies of Snow

Peter "Sleazy" Christopherson died this morning at the age of 55. He was, in my opinion, on of the most influential artists of the last few decades. The contribution he made to experimental music, sampling, and general f*cking around with sound cannot be overstated. I don't usually get choked up about celebrity deaths, but this made me feel like someone had just head butted me in the chest, and then I started crying.

Sleazy was a member of the bands Throbbing Gristle and Coil, and an early member of Psychic TV, and contributed to several other musical projects. Additionally, he was a music video director and an artist. I have a special connection to the music that Sleazy produced as part of Coil. First of all, I think the albums that he and John Balance created were freaking brilliant, though sometimes challenging to listen to. Some have referred to their work as "ear movies" and I think this is an great description. Peter himself said that said that he composed Coil songs visually rather than muscially:

"As long as I can remember, I've approached music from a visual point of view. Any technique that you can apply to a film, you can also apply to a piece of music. Our tunes that start off with a sort of film script or filmic picture are much more successful than the songs that start with a riff or bass line or conventional musical cue."

His music blew my mind and expanded the boundaries of what I now like to call "auditory art". When we think about visual art, we have film, paint, sculpture (although that can be tactile as well), etc. But most people only think of music as music, rather than the potential for something more.

The Snow was one of the albums on my birthing playlist, and it happened to be the album that the boy was born to. He was born towards the end of the album, and it was actually a great album for that particular point in time because the last half an hour or so of labor was hard for me to get through. Had I not been so caught up in GETTING A BABY OUT, I probably would have asked someone to skip past it when it came on, because I would have thought it "unbirthy". We were in the bedroom, and the music was playing in the living room, and I was at a point where there was NO WAY that I would have asked anyone in the room at that time to leave my side for even a second. The album is upbeat and electronic, and I was dimly aware of it playing in between contractions, but not bothered by it. It was exactly what I needed to find the energy required in those last minutes. Something more ambient and dreamy would not have been quite so effective.

After the boy was born, I wrote to Sleazy and told him my son had been born to his album. He responded and seemed delighted. I was touched that he had replied.

It was only months later when Hym and I were listening to the album again that I realized that the second to last song--the song that was playing while the boy was stuck and then likely still playing when he came flying out--was Answers Come in Dreams II. 

Because the music was playing in another room and because I was deep inside birthland, I didn't hear these words that are spoken more than once in the song:

Get ready to be delivered, and delivered in a hurry.

Indeed. What could be a more appropriate song for the end of a hard labor that culminated in a shoulder dystocia?


It was only tonight, as I listened to the song again, that I took notice of these other words, spoken only once:

Man has given a false importance to death. Every animal, plant, or man that dies adds to nature's compost heap.

RIP Sleazy. You gave us so much while you were alive, and now you'll return to the earth. Thank you.

Stranger in a Plains Land ~ 1

I'm going to do a series of posts about terms, foods, and objects I had either never heard of or knew nothing about prior to moving to North Dakota. Here's the first few:

Uff da ~ All purpose expression of Norwegian origin. Can be used as a substitute for any number of words that I am no longer allowed to say because my son will repeat them at school.

Round bacon ~ Also known as cottage bacon. The only bacon I'd ever known as "bacon" is the super-fatty strips of stuff that comes in plastic packages in the grocery store. That bacon comes from pork belly. I discovered round bacon at my local butcher shop. Round bacon is made from pork shoulder and is far more lean.  It is not the same thing as Canadian bacon, despite our proximity to the border. Round bacon is what ham slices wish they could be. It's like the other bacon, but better, because it's easier to cook, slightly healthier, and is perfectly sized for BLT sandwiches

Buffalo berries ~ According to Lewis and Clark: "A berry resembling a currant except double the size" with fruit that was "deliciously flavored and makes delightful tarts". I have not had the pleasure of eating Buffalo berries fresh, but I have tasted jam and wine made from this fruit.

Choke cherries ~ Choke cherry is the official fruit of North Dakota (as of 2007)! I think I might have heard of these before, but I'd never tasted them. I had the, ahem, opportunity to taste a "ripe" chokecherry right off of the bush last summer. It was sweet, but then it lived up to its name. It was the most astringent thing I have ever put in my mouth and the pucker response in my throat made it feel like my throat was closing off. Hence the "choke" part of the name. It was worth the experience for sure, but in the future I'll stick to things like chokecherry wine, syrup, and jam.

Pyew-pyew-pyew

A few nights ago, I was getting boy ready for his shower. When I helped him get his pants off, he said,

Mama, can you lift me up to look at my penis?

You want me to look at your penis? Does it hurt?

No, I want to look at my penis.

Oh, you want to look at your penis in the mirror?

Yes.


He wanted me to help him stand on the bathroom counter so he could look at his penis in the mirror. Kind of a strange request, but there are not many mirrors in this house that are at his level. I thought that maybe he just wanted to check things out since he knows what his dad looks like from the outside. Right?

I lift the boy up and stand him up on the bathroom counter. He laughs and says,

My penis!

Then he grabs his penis, and starts making shooting sounds. Seriously. SERIOUSLY.

What are you doing? (trying to sound nonchalant).

I am pyew-pyew-pyewing (shooting sounds) mine penis!

You are shooting with your penis? Your penis is a weapon?

Yes! Pyew-pyew-pyew.

I am slightly mortified, but also choking back laughter. I mean, he's at that age where he pretends a lot of things are weapons, including shoes, fruit snacks, and pretty much any other object you can think of. We sometimes make him leave his "weapons" in a special cabinet before he plays with other children so that he doesn't pretend to shoot them, and it actually seems to work. I was at first bothered by his weapon obsession, but feel better (sort of) knowing that he is primarily attacking monsters and "bad guys" and that what I perceive as a gun is often a much more elaborate weapon like a rocket or light beam (way better, right?). I have also noticed that since he started pretending to have weapons, he actually hits other children and me much less. I *think* this is a good thing. (???)

He has pretended that his head shoots laser beams. He has pretended that his feet propel rockets. He has even staged battles between his "robot fingers". Why wouldn't he use his penis as a weapon? I mean, it's the one body part he can actually aim and already shoot stuff from. Makes perfect sense, really.

I think to myself, it's no wonder Freud had some of the ideas he did. But mostly, I just want to laugh.

I stifle the laughter, because I don't want to a) encourage penis weaponeering, b) make him feel like I'm laughing at his penis, or c) make him feel like there is something different about his penis compared to the rest of his body. All I said was, oh honey, I don't think a penis should be used as a weapon. It has many better uses and it's already cool because you can pee with it. Are you ready to get in the shower now?

As an aside, it's pretty awesome that he calls it a penis instead of some other goofy name. About six months ago, he had loose bowels, and his father said, oh, buddy, I think you have diarrhea.

No, I have a penis. Mama has a diarrhea.

I guess that's close enough...


 

Academic Phone Interviews

A friend who is still in grad school contacted me for tips on academic phone interviews. He's interviewing for a psychology instructor position at a decent sized university, so not all of my stuff was relevant in this case. He specifically asked if I had prepped any questions and answers prior to the interview. Why yes, I had--I still have the document and I sent it to him. I have posted these questions and answers below, because they were fun for me to read and because maybe someone, somewhere, will find them useful. My actual notes were more concise and written in short-hand--I've expanded them here a little into something resembling complete sentences.

I do have to say, after being on the other side of the hiring process, that the thing that most often hurts a candidate is a lack of research about the job they are applying for. When we talk to a candidate who knows nothing about the institution, the people they would be working with, or the classes offered, it really hurts their chances of being invited out for an on-campus interview.

1. What is your dissertation topic and time line for completion?

• My dissertation is a secondary data analysis focusing on abortion and mental health, and how early risk factors and exposure to violence may explain the association that has been reported between abortion history and mental health.
• Because it is a secondary data analysis, the data has already been collected. I have recoded most of the data and conducted some pilot analyses. I have extensive familiarity with the data set at this time.
• My prospectus meeting is scheduled for the beginning of the spring semester and I plan to graduate in May.
• My committee members all agree that this is a reasonable time line for completion.

What I would say now about this answer: 
That was totally not a reasonable time line for completion, but I got it done anyway.


2. What is your teaching philosophy?

• I emphasize critical thinking and the scientific method in all of my courses
• I believe the goal of a liberal arts education is to create well-informed citizens
• I try to provide a solid foundation for future researchers, while ensuring that other students get useful information for their daily lives
• I try to present material in a wide range of formats
• I utilize different modes of assessment whenever possible

What I would say now about this answer:
I feel pretty much the same way. My objectives haven't changed, but I continue to acquire new tools to achieve them. If you have experience with different methods of teaching, you should talk about this. Specifics are helpful.


3. What undergrad courses do you want to teach? 

• Top choices: Introduction to Psychology, Research Methods, Social Psychology, Advanced Social Psychology, Any other social psychology course, Gender, Psychology of Women
• Comfortable teaching, but not top choices: Statistics, Health Psychology, Personality Psychology, History and Systems, HumanSexuality
• Could do if necessary: Cognitive Psychology, Learning
• Absolutely not: Physiological Psychology, Neuroscience, Biological Psychology, Sensation and Perception

What I would say now about this answer:
This was a great answer and it was tailored to a specific institution because I had done my research. When they ask you what you want to or are willing to teach, they really want to here "anything". I went to their website and found out what courses they offered so that I could speak directly to those courses. I tried to craft an answer that was was honest about what I'm absolutely not qualified to teach, but also showed that I was open to stepping in to fill a need. I like teaching things that are outside of my comfort zone because I learn more in the process.

4. What graduate courses can you teach?

• Top choices: Any social psychology topics, research methods, courses on gender/psychology of women
• Could do with prep: History and systems, Univariate statistics, Brown-bag "crash courses" on quantitative psychology topics

What I would say now about this answer: 
I think these are still accurate. At the graduate level, you should really only teach what you are an expert in. I'd still like to do brown-bag seminars on statistics topics, but will all of my other service commitments, it would be hard to find the time.

5. What are your research interests?

• Aggression, especially gender differences and evolutionary influences. I am particularly interested in the role status plays in aggression for men versus women.
• Violence against women and early childhood risk factors on sexuality and reproductive health; abortion and mental health
• Stereotypes about pregnancy and motherhood
• Stereotypes about gays and lesbians 
• Gender identity

What I would say now about these answers:
These were great answers at the time. I just created a short blurb for my faculty listing on the psychology department website: Social and personality psychology: gender roles; gender identity; stereotyping and prejudice; aggression; evolutionary psychology. Not much has changed.

6. What experience do you have with grants?

• I applied for National Science Foundation funding as a first-year graduate student; it was unfunded.
• I applied for grants through the Graduate and Professional Student Association, but these were also unfunded.
• I successfully obtained a research assistantship through the university. This was a short application, but it required a budget estimate and a description of research to be conducted; this was funded.
• I applied for a pre-doctoral fellowship through the National Institute for Health (NIH) with the National Institute for Drug Abuse (NIDA) as the funding agency; this was funded.

What I would say about this now:
That's pretty much all I could say at the time, and there's not much more to say about grants other than you either were funded or weren't.

7.  What do you think your vita (resume) will look like in 5 years?

• A handful of abortion and mental health studies that utilize structural equation modeling
• A program of research that focuses on stereotypes about motherhood and pregnancy and the implications for quality of medical care and employment opportunities
• A few aggression studies that are follow-up studies to my Masters thesis
• Collaborative projects on gender identity
• Potentially some projects about gay and lesbian stereotypes
• Greater breadth of courses taught
• Additional extramural (grant) funding

What I would say about this now:
This was too many answers, even if it was the truth about my goals. I was trying to play up my strengths and show that I had some big goals and some more manageable goals, but it was still too much. The emphasis on teaching was important for the job that I was particularly interested in, so that was good. If I could do this question over, however, I would split it up into what was most promising (the aggression stuff) and what I would like to put more time into after establishing a publication record (pregnancy and motherhood stereotypes) in a way similar to the way I split up my teaching interests.

8. What skills do you bring?

• Broad training in social psychology
• Familiarity with learning, developmental psychopathology, clinical psychology
• Background in Women's studies
• Strong quantitative background
• Experience with secondary data analysis of large scale data sets
• Integration of social and clinical psychology--early risk factors that influence life-course trajectories
• Openness to work with students who have a wide variety of interests; enjoyment of student-led projects
• Openness to collaboration

What I would say about this now:
I would emphasize that I really, really, love working with students. If you are applying for a Research 1 job, that's a bad answer. They want to know that you have a line of research ready to go, and that your students will be working on it. I, however, really enjoy student-driven research even when it's outside of my main areas of interest. This is a major plus for liberal arts jobs, or the unique position I have at UND where research does happen, but teaching is valued. It also turns out that I have way more statistical knowledge than the average faculty member, so I am perfectly happy to analyze data, write up the results, and take a 2nd author position. This may not be a plus in some interviewing situations (like an R1 job), but it's a plus to other faculty once you have arrived (especially in smaller departments).


9. What makes you unique/diverse?

• Non-traditional educational trajectory
• First generation college student; comfortable working with a diverse range of students
• Raised in rural area; sensitive to needs of rural students
• Background in Women's Studies and social psychology with a heavy evolutionary focus has enhanced my ability to consider diverse perspectives
• Training in experimental methods, survey methods, quantitative methods, large-scale data sets, some qualitative methods

What I would say about this now:
I made sure for the interview with UND to mention that I came from a rural area because I had done my research about their student population. This may not be a plus for some jobs, but I think it was a good thing to mention for this job. I would now add that I am approachable--students seem to be comfortable with me and I think that's a good thing, and it probably stems from me feeling like an "impostor" in academia :)


10. What are your weaknesses?

• Physiological/biological/neuropsychology
• Passion for teaching--it's often easier to focus on the immediate gratification of teaching at the expense of finding time for writing

What I would say about this now:
These are still my greatest weaknesses. My love for teaching and the fact that students approach me means that if I am not careful, teaching and working with students sucks up all of my time. I still struggle to get writing done, which is why I don't mind taking a 2nd or 3rd author position on a paper if it means that I just wrote little snippets and analyzed data. However, if I ever want a promotion, I will need more first-author publications. Publish or perish. Publish or perish.

11. What is my theoretical orientation?

• Broad interdisciplinary framework
• Multi-level approach that integrates the power of the situation and the broader social context that gives meaning to a particular situation
• Background in psychology of women as well as social psychology and evolutionary psychology

What I would say about this now:
I'm not even sure what that answer means. After being out of grad school for a short period of time now, I have to say that the theoretical framework that I find myself most often bringing up in conversation is an evolutionary social psych framework, but that's in part due to the fact that I'm the only person in our department with any real expertise in evolutionary social psychology. When I was surrounded by evolutionary psychologists at ASU, I often brought up sociocultural perspectives. I don't think they are at odds with each other--I think they compliment each other. The big trend that's surfacing now is how to merge evolutionary psychology and cultural psychology. Maybe my personal theoretical orientation is "devil's advocate" or "shit disturber".

12. What is your teaching experience?

• Instructor: Research methods lectures and laboratories; Introduction to Psychology, Introduction to Statistics
• Teaching assistant: Social Psychology, Introduction to Psychology, Introduction to Statistics
• Tutor in high school and as undergraduate

13. How do you engage in student mentorship?

• Recruit research assistants from courses taught
• During first semester, research assistants have light duties to prove they are reliable (pass/fail grade)
• Increased responsibility with experience--supervisory roles, training on data analysis, etc.
• Willingness to mentor student-driven projects with students who are motivated and interested in doing so.

What I would say about this answer now:
I would now emphasize that even though I could probably get most of my research done with very few research assistants, I will work with almost anyone who wants research experience. I start the questionable students out on tasks that are less important so that I can determine whether they are reliable. I think one of the greatest things that happens in psychology departments is that undergraduates get research experience--that's where they really learn about psychology. In this regard, I try to make research a teaching activity. I would now emphasize the importance of training a chain of leaders and delegating responsibility. If you have a job where you are supervising grad students, you can pretty much put them in charge of your lab. If you are using undergraduates, you need to find the real stars who function as well as grad students, get them trained, and then delegate. The delegation part is hard, and it takes some time, but hopefully it means that they will then train their replacements. If you are applying for a liberal arts job or a teaching-intensive job, they want to know how your research is an extension of your teaching. I cannot help but make my research an extension of my teaching because I cannot help but want to teach students how to be researchers. Even if they don't pursue careers that have anything to do with psychology research, I hope that they at become better consumers of information and better citizens as a result of the time they spend in my lab.

The menstrual cycle and other wonders

We talked about sex in my introductory psychology class yesterday. I answered the questions that they had submitted. I used this video and this image to discuss the menstrual cycle and pregnancy.

I used this page to discuss why the withdrawal method is not very effective, as well as to address the question, can I have sex without a condom and just put one on before ejaculation?

We discussed the history of the vibrator to "cure" hysteria--I didn't show this slideshow, but I wanted to. We just didn't have enough time. I talked about Freud's views on femininity and a mature female sexual response, such as:

With the change to femininity the clitoris should wholly or in part hand over its sensitivity, and at the same time its importance, to the vagina. 

I love this quote, because in my cartoon brain I see a little clitoris character literally handing something over to the vagina, and the vagina just stands there looking confused.

Many people still feel that there is something "wrong" with a woman if she can't achieve orgasm through vaginal penetration alone. I talked about that for a few minutes too.

On Thursday, we'll be talking about Personality, so we'll discuss Freud some more. I can't wait.

On lying to my kid and other guilty pleasures

I missed a post yesterday because I was exhausted from wrangling a 21 pound turkey for 3 days, and then I fell into a turkey coma. Dinner was fantastic.

Not only did we do our Friends Thanksgiving yesterday, but we also took Dude to see Mickey's Live Rockin' Road Show. I didn't think it was as good as the live Playhouse Disney show last year, but the boy enjoyed it.

I didn't tell him about the show. Instead, I wrote a letter to him from Mickey Mouse and put it in the mailbox. At 3:00, hubbie said, oh, that's strange, the mailman just put something in our box--on a Sunday!


We retrieved the letter. The letter told Dude that if he followed the instructions, he would get a surprise. I glued a picture of Mickey Mouse at the end of the letter and signed it, Your Pal, Mickey Mouse.

The instructions were to get in the car at 3:45 and follow the directions, which were driving directions to The Ralph (the Disneyland of hockey stadiums). When we pulled up, he totally figured out what was going on because that's where the show was last year. He was really excited to see Tigger again.

While the other kids sang and yelled and danced, Dude just sat in his seat, perfectly still. We asked, do you want to dance? and he shook his head no. I don't know if he just felt shy or if he was trying to be "good" by being quiet and still. He went to see his daddy perform about a month ago, and we go to see movies on the weekends, so he is a seasoned pro at being quiet and respectful at theaters. However, he was completely still like this last year as well, which was before we started going to any kind of movies or shows. I think that when he is amidst chaos he just needs to retreat inside and soak it all up sometimes.

But then...then...Tigger started his bouncerrific techno finale number. We asked if he would like to stand up and bounce with Tigger. He shook his head up and down really fast and we said go for it. OH. MY. GAWD. It was like he had been holding it all in. He was overcome with the spirit of Tigger and looked like he was either possessed or having a dancerrriffic seizure. It was awesome.

I've noticed that when there is music on at home, he will rarely dance just a little. He's not the kind of kid who kind of sways to the music. It's all or nothing. He's either oblivious or overtaken. Strangely enough, the one band that will always get him moving is Joy Divison. Seriously.

So, yes, I lied to my kid. I fabricated a Mickey Mouse letter. To make matters worse, I secretly hate Disney because the company is really nothing more than a marketing machine. DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED on how pissed I was that an entire plot point of the Rockin' Road show was centered around Minnie's need for SHOES. I wanted to puke. I was so happy that I hadn't taken a little girl there, until I realized that it's also teaching little boys that all girls care about is shoes. All this, and I still bought the tickets. And it was worth it to see him bounce up and down and flail his limbs with a look of pure joy on his face. I lied to him because there is this tiny window of make-believe that will disappear someday. I wish that I could get a letter from a cartoon character and believe it. Hell, I wish I still got letters. Or sent them for that matter...

This is not the first of my lies. I also told him that thunder and lightning were caused by Thor riding his chariot through the sky, and that he threw lightning bolts down upon the earth because it was fun. Because really, if you could hurl lightning bolts, you totally would, and you know it. And I thought that the story about Thor made for a much better story than gods bowling.

Recent phone pictures

Heaven in a glass:

It's a layered iced americano, using Peet's Espresso Forte blend (or maybe Major Dickason's--I can't remember). I have Peet's shipped once every 6 weeks or so for a treat, even though my husband gets free pounds from Starbucks. I use some of the Starbucks coffee, but we also give it away.

We have a home espresso maker--a good one--and it have saved us a lot of money, especially since I can't seem to find a really good coffee shop in this town. I mixed a shot with some vanilla sugar (i.e. sugar that has vanilla beans hanging out in it), added a tish of water, added the ice, poured some half n' half slowly, and then added the last two shots by pouring them gently over the back of the spoon. It's similar to the way you make a layered latte. I can't say that it tasted any different than if I'd just mixed it all together in the first place, but I felt like I'd given myself a real treat.



Boy as Wall-E:

This was boy's Halloween costume. He knew exactly what he wanted to be this year, and I think he looks adorable.


Autumn on campus (it turns out that leaves really do change into colors other than green, less green, and brown):

Inspiration or Abomination?

A friend of mine has challenged me to an Iron Chef inspired dinner party. As in, the party is at his house, and he and I are the competitors. We're still hammering out the details of how the challenge will be framed. Will guests brings items we have to use? Will we start with pool of items and then unveil the secret ingredient at the last minute? Will the time limit be 90 minutes or two hours? How many dishes will we make? We're going to both be cooking in his not particularly roomy kitchen, so it should be interesting.

I'd like to just say I'M TOTALLY STOKED about this, as it capitalizes on my love of food, love for food challenges, and competitive spark.

Since I am now obsessively contemplating the bizarre combinations of ingredients that could result from this experiment, I'd like to share this strange creation that I just discovered via a friend on Facebook. Tell me, is it a case of divine inspiration or an abomination?

Friends Thanksgiving

A group of us who met on the 2009 new faculty bus tour have continued to get together on a regular basis since then. In fact, we've been such a tight-knit group that some folks at the university referred to us as the "first year mafia" last year--a term that we wholeheartedly embraced. Academia is a strange world, and I think we've provided a great social support network for each other. It's nice to have friends outside of your department who are as terrified as you are.

Last year, we had a "friends" Thanksgiving potluck dinner. That was the day that I realized that I had found a little family of great folks here in the Nodak. I wasn't going to attend the dinner, because I didn't have a sitter and Hyrum was working and I was so accustomed to events and gatherings that were not kid friendly that I didn't even want to try to take Albie with me. A few hours before dinner was supposed to start, the host realized I wasn't coming and that it was because I didn't have a sitter, but she didn't have my number. She called someone who called me, and the relayed message was essentially WTF are you thinking? Get your butt over here. Of course your child is welcome. I actually teared up I was so touched that a) people realized I had a child, b) my child was welcome, and c) I would be missed if I didn't attend.

Well, we're doing it again this year. There will be 20 of us. How exciting! It's like a family holiday without all of the family drama. What more could you ask for?

I volunteered to bring the turkey. Well, I'm actually going to prep the turkey and then take it to the hosts' house around 11:30 and just shove it in the oven, and then they'll tend to it until supper time.

I'm not obligated to bring anything else on top of the turkey, but I decided to make this Cranberry-Citrus Relish with Pomegranate and TEQUILA! as well, because we made it one year and it's just fantastic.

I'm thinking that after this big dinner on Sunday, I'm not going to do the whole dinner thing for the three of us on the official day. I'm thinking I'll bring home the turkey carcass and make some kind of soup...

Ani DiFranco - The Atom (03.11.2008) Tampa

Lest you think that my last post was too flippant or too creepy, or that I don't take nuclear power seriously, here is one of my favorite songs EVER. As if nuclear weapons aren't bad enough, we use the same technology to create electricity, and politicians want to create more nuclear power plants. Seriously?



These are my favorite lines:

human beings are a cross
between monkeys and ants
you can see us from your spaceship
melting the polar ice caps
with our arrogance
summon a congress of angels
dressed in riot gear
we've got ourselves a serious situation
down here

i have this great great uncle
who worked on the atomic bomb
he got a nobel prize in physics
and a place in this song
and i bet there were no windows
and no women in the room
when they applied themselves
to the pure science of
boom

Here's a nice, clean, audio recording.


Nuclear power is stupid. I have heard, and really considered, the arguments in favor of it. It produces so little waste. It's "cleaner". It's cheap. (Or not). We can generate nuclear power without depending on other countries. I get it.  But unless you can find a solution--a real solution--to that minor toxic waste problem, how can we possibly consider MORE plants. And even if that was worked out, what about the risks associated with "minor" accidents? It's not even something that we should be discussing.

Rather than fucking around with nature in order to run all of our electric shit, why don't we USE LESS energy and focus on alternatives, rather than burning shit or splitting atoms? We can create a mushroom cloud, but green energy isn't really feasible? Pfft. 

How I (didn't really) learn to stop worrying and love the bomb (in a creepy, dark, fetish kind of way)

I was fascinated with atomic bombs as a child. Terrified and fascinated. When I was 8, I wanted to write a letter to the President to express my concerns. My mother convinced me to write a letter about some national scholars program, but I wasn't happy about it.

I watched movies about the bomb. I watched news footage from WWII about the bomb. I listened to audio documentaries about the bomb.

Did anyone else see the movie Nightbreaker? I LOVED IT. I wish it were available on DVD because I just can't bring myself to order VHS tapes that may or may not work. After I (repeatedly) watched that movie, I had a whole new fascination with nuclear testing and the conspiracies lies and abuses associated with it. I dreamed about nuclear testing--that I was hiding, running, whatever. These weren't nightmares. I wasn't scared, just fascinated. Eerily fascinated. I was kind of a strange girl anyway--I frequently had dreams of being in wars, war games, war simulations, etc.

I still can't look away from footage of bombs, even though it makes me queasy. All of that RAW POWER. We did that. Humans did that. It's amazing. Of course it's horrifying. Of course its an abomination. Of course its blasphemy against nature. But it's also unbelievable. We split nature in two. Wow.

My (step) Grandpa was a physicist back in the day and worked with nuclear stuff. I'm not sure exactly what he researched and if he was a part of all the testing that went on. I don't know if the things he knew were things he learned from being directly involved or things he learned from being a voracious reader. He once told me that pigs were used for nuclear tests because their organ structure was similar to ours and their skin, in particular, is remarkably similar. He told me about tests where they would put pigs in mailboxes and different types of shelters and set off bombs. For years, I thought maybe he was exaggerating or just plain crazy (you never could tell with him). Now, I can read about it on Wikipedia or elsewhere. I found this video online, which is fascinating, but not for the faint of heart. This quote is from a website about nuclear testing in Nevada:

"Experiments on mice, dogs, and other animals were conducted during atmospheric testing. The animals were subjected to the atomic blasts and then analyzed by biologists, veterinarians, and medical personnel. In 1957, for the Plumbbob series, pens were built near the Mercury highway to keep 1,200 swine that would be used for various experiments. They had been specially bred due to the similarities in pig and human physiology. For some experiments, pigs were outfitted in various types of clothing material, including military uniforms. For the thirty-seven-kiloton Priscilla test on June 24, 1957, more than seven hundred anesthetized pigs were placed in stations at various distances from ground zero to better understand the effects of atomic weapons on human beings."

I wish Grandpa were alive today so I could ask him more questions. At the time, I didn't know what else to ask. Today, I wouldn't know where to stop.


Because of this sordid fascination with evil, I was admittedly excited when I found out that I would be visiting a decommissioned missile alert facility as part of the new faculty bus tour this year. I mean, I was already stoked that my hubbie could come with me this year, but husband + nukes = uberexcitement.

Did you know that at the height of the Cold War, North Dakota was the 3rd largest nuclear power in the world? Or so the tour guide gold us. Russia and the United States (minus North Dakota) were #1 and #2 (though I'm not sure which was first and which was second) and then there was the state of North Dakota.

North Dakota had two missile fields with 150 missiles in each. If I remember correctly, each of the fields contained 15 missile alert facilities, so that each alert facility controlled 10 missiles. We toured the Oscar-Zero Missile Alert Facility (now named the Ronald Reagan Minutemen Missile Site). It was part of the Grand Forks Missile Field. Do you remember the movie War Games? Grand Forks was one of the first targets in the game. Um, yeah. That's where I live now. Voted one of the best places to raise your kids. Minus the nukes of course. Why so many nukes in the Nodak? I have heard a few different reasons. First of all, the big target when these silos were built was Russia, and the shortest distance to many Russian cities was over the arctic circle. Second, since it's landlocked, it could be harder for weapons to be stolen, or accessed in the first place. Third, land was cheap and the population scarce, so there were less people to object to having nukes in their backyard. The fourth reason seems to be simple math. The current population of the entire state is 646,850. This means less collateral damage. If the missile fields were attacked, fewer people would be killed than if the fields were located elsewhere.

The facility was closed as part of the Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty (START) of 1991, and then opened a few years later for tours. Touring the facility was simultaneously anti-climatic and overwhelming. It really looked like the props that would be used in a 70's sci-fi movie, but it was real. I actually have a picture of myself in that chair, but I got in trouble for it. Turns out, you're not supposed to sit there, and I wasn't listening when the tour guide told us that. I was too busy taking pictures and tripping out. She could have confiscated my camera, but instead made me promise not to post it online somewhere. I took a lot of pictures that I will upload another time.

The Minot AFB Minuteman Missile Field is still active. It is composed of 150 Minutemen III missiles. Each of these missile has three warheads, hence the III as part of the name. From Wikipedia, "The current Minuteman force consists of 450 Minuteman III missiles^[1] in missile silos around F.E. Warren AFB, Wyoming; Malmstrom AFB, Montana; and Minot AFB, North Dakota." That means that there are 450 nuclear warheads in North Dakota, and 1350 warheads total among these three states. I don't know what else to say after that.

Feelings

The boy has been learning about feelings in school this week.

Tonight he had a stuffy nose. I asked him if he was getting sick.

Uh huh. My nose is stuffy and my brain had a hard day and my legs are tired and my tummy is, um, um, sad.

Well said, son.

The Story

I have attended two plays in the last year that dealt with heavy issues like women's sexuality, violence, coercion, etc. These plays were based on women's stories and their pain, and they have affected me deeply.

I thought I didn't have any stories. Not any good stories. By good, I mean really bad, traumatic, worthy-of-sharing, stories. I told myself that nothing really bad ever happened to me. So many have had it so much worse. I was never molested. I've never been physically forced to have sex. I've never been really beaten up by a partner. I told myself that anything "bad" that happened to me, that I couldn't let go, was just me feeling sorry for myself. That I was just being melodramatic.

When I tell stories, I put a spin on them. I make them funny. I end with a joke, or I make them into something else. I gloss over the meat. I gloss over the pain. I avoid the discomfort. Mine or otherwise.

I tell stories that are caricatures of stories. I like these stories, and they have their place.

But I want to try telling other stories. I want to tell the truth. The uncomfortable truth.

I can start with a story I've never told. I have told little pieces to a few people, but I have never told the whole story. To anyone. 

I had just started college at ASU. I had a friend, a crush really, who lived across town. We'll call him K. K was recently sober after a short romance with crystal meth. He had been attending Narcotics Anonymous (NA) meetings. 

He was really cute. We'd met at band camp (how cliche!), made out a few times (even more cliche!), and I'd visited him in Phoenix once or twice before moving down there for college. 

I picked him up on the other side of town after an NA meeting. He invited me over to a friend's house. I was disappointed, because I really liked K and had hoped we could just go out and do something together, even if it was just coffee. I'd thought this would be just us doing something, but I guess not. He and his buddies were going to drink LOTS of coffee and stay up all night, because this was the closest thing they had to a good buzz. The rush from all the coffee and the sleep deprivation was kind of like being high. There was an actual term for it, but I don't remember what it was. I wish I could remember. Forgetting that little term, and the degree to which this forgetting bothers me, is such a microcosm for the rest of the story.

At that time, I had a sort of relationship with a guy we'll call P. I'd hooked up with him (in other words, had a two-night stand with him) right before I moved to Phoenix and we were maybe going to see each other or whatever, but we weren't officially dating. Or at least I didn't think so. I figured he wasn't interested in an actual relationship with me.

After the two-night stand with P, I had been reflecting on my casual sexual encounters over the past few years. Those are stories for another time, but I was kind of concerned that I was a sex addict. I now know that really, I wouldn't have met the criteria. Not even close. But it was a hot term at that time and I really wanted some kind of label for myself and my dysfunction. Sex addiction was kind of glamorous, as opposed to a more accurate label like "child of alcoholic starved for male attention". I mentioned this to K--that I thought I might have a problem with sex. He suggested that I go to NA meetings or AA meetings or whatever, and the program was still the same.

We arrived at his friend's house--we'll call him D for douchebag because I don't remember his real name and douchebag is appropriate--and the coffee consumption began. I didn't drink much of it. D encouraged me to drink more, but I didn't. I'll return to this point later. 

We ended up watching some porn. The me I am now is confused about how this could have seemed like a normal activity, but I was not the me I am now.

I should clarify that at that time in my life, third-wave feminist (though I didn't call myself a feminist) that I was, I had watched porn with friends before. We were young adults. It was taboo. We were liberated. We liked to show that we were so cool we could watch porn and it was no big deal. I had watched porn with my best friend (and roommate) and sometimes we had other friends there and no, we didn't end up making out and we didn't have orgies and it was just...watching porn. Because we were old enough to rent it now! And we were cool. 

But these guys didn't know this. This hadn't been discussed. It was just, hey let's watch some porn, and I was so cool that I said sure. Whatever. Maybe D even asked if I was okay with it, and I of course said yes.

I should also clarify, before you read further, that this night did not end in some kind gang bang or forced sex.

This was 15 years ago. I'm sorry, 16 years ago, so my memory is kind of fuzzy. I was sitting in a dark living room, in a room with three young men. I wasn't sitting next to any of them so I must have been in a different chair. Trying to not react. Trying to be cool. You would think that I would be like, I'm out of here. But I didn't do that. Because I prided myself on being "one of the guys". Most of my close friends in high school, except my very best friend, were guys. I didn't trust women--girls had caused me so much pain throughout my childhood that I was really distrustful of them. Men, on the other hand...they didn't, generally, have the same finesse in being able to destroy you by using your friendships against you. They lacked the same power of social ostracism. By and large, I'd never even had a guy start rumors about me, even those I'd had sex with. They were friends, sometimes sexual partners, but our relationships were pretty straightforward. In my mind, I was just being one of the guys. I knew from other conversations with adolescent boys that sometimes, they watched porn together. Is this normal? I don't know. Maybe I just grew up in some fucked up hick corner of the universe.

So, back to the porn. Or the circle jerk. Like I said, the details are fuzzy, but I could swear it was a circle jerk. Maybe they just talked about circle jerk. I think D actually brought it up and asked if I knew what it was, and if I minded if either he or they beat off. I don't think they all did, because I think I would have REALLY noticed or tried to NOT NOTICE if K had whipped out his dick. So it was probably D and maybe the other guy who I haven't assigned an initial to. I could have said, hey I really have to get going but that seemed like so much effort. It seemed like it would have been a monumentally impossible task to actually get up out of the chair I was in and walk out of the room.

At some point, it's early morning, and I'm fucking tired. I don't know if I said I was tired and heading home, or if I actually asked if there was somewhere I could lay down. The guy who lived there, D for dickhead or douchebag or whatever else you want to say about him, offered that I could sleep in his parents bed. It was his parents house and they were out of town. Awesome, I think, I have a bed to myself. They were still up watching heavy metal videos or something equally obnoxious, and D specifically said that I could close the door and it would be quiet and I could have privacy. What a nice guy, I thought. I figured I could sleep for a few hours, and then head back an hour across town. Looking back, I probably said I was heading home and then he offered, but this may be revisionist history.

I'm almost asleep. D comes in and lays down. This is weird, I think, but he doesn't try anything. At first. I don't know how it started. I didn't like this guy. I wasn't attracted to this guy. 

Oh my god, I just remembered how it started. He was actually laying in bed beating off. I was just trying to ignore it. I was trying to pretend I was asleep. I don't know how I got involved, aside from being in the bed in the first place. SO STUPID. I WAS SO STUPID.

I know that I resisted. I'm pretty sure that he started touching me, stroking me, and I just tried to pretend I was asleep. Then it was let's just kiss. It's likely that I was asked to "help him out". I felt so tired. My head was so foggy. I didn't really want to. I wanted to sleep. I hoped that I could just do enough to get by so he would leave me alone so I could sleep. I said no to each increased advance. I know I said no. I said it more than once. He just kept persisting. I could have gotten up and left, but I knew that the other guys were in the house. I was so embarrassed. They knew I'd gone up to sleep. How could I tell them I was leaving because your friend won't leave me alone? Did they know he was up here? Did they all just think I was easy? Was that why I was here in the first place?

And it seemed like so much effort. Seemed like it was so much easier to just let him kiss me for a few minutes and then maybe he would go away. I was so naive. I was so tired. I couldn't make myself get out of the bed. I could not get out of the bed. I was so

DRUGGED?

It took me years to consider that possibility, because any time I did, I told myself I'd just been tired and lazy and easy anyway and that I was just trying to find an excuse. But seriously, this was not the first time I'd been up all night and I'd never had so much trouble functioning. I wonder now if that's why he kept trying to get me to drink more coffee. I wonder now if they were all in on it. I wonder now if K told them I was a "sex addict".

And I'd been trying to turn a new leaf. I'd told myself I wasn't going to fuck someone for the sake of fucking someone any more. I told him this, in fact. I told him that I thought I had a problem with sex, and didn't want to have sex with someone I'd just met. That's why I kept saying no, I really can't. And then it ended with him begging over and over to eat me out. And I kept saying no. But he "just wanted to go down on me to pleasure me". It was all about me. We didn't need to have sex. It wouldn't be sex. And finally I just said whatever. 

What happened next is kind of foggy. I think I faked an orgasm, and then he wanted to hold me, and I was kind of disgusted, but I just wanted to go to sleep. I'm 97% sure that this is what happened.

When I woke up next, K was in the bed. He was awake. I think he smiled at me. He might have then rolled over and gone to sleep. Was he in the bed because he hoped to get lucky? If he was, he didn't try anything. At least, I don't remember him trying anything. I mean, this is the guy that I would have kind of liked to try something. I had a crush on him, remember? Did he hope I would try something? I have a vague memory that I asked where D was, and K said he'd gone to work. Maybe he was simply in the bed because he was tired and it was a place to sleep now that D was gone.

I don't remember how I left. I don't remember if K was asleep or awake. I think he did roll over, with his back to me, and when he fell asleep I left. I was ashamed. I, of course, assumed that D had told K everything. In retrospect, I don't think he told him anything.

At the time, I felt victorious because I hadn't banged the guy. In my mind, this was a victory because I hadn't given in to fucking someone for the sake of fucking someone. Even though I felt sick about the whole thing, I had WON. Right?

I said that I never told whole story. I want to tell you about what happened the first time I told part of  the story. P--the two-night stand I assumed would never really follow up with me--came to visit me. I told him that I'd made out someone. I just wanted to be honest if we were going to become a thing. He was kind of annoyed, but I told him that I hadn't thought I'd actually hear from him again. I didn't tell him everything else. Long story short, P ended up being my boyfriend. This led to a whole host of poor decisions in that first year of college, culminating in me dropping out, moving to the woods, getting pregnant while doing a lot of drugs, begging my mother to rescue me, and me having an abortion. My stories about P are stories for another time. Except this one.

About 6 months after the D incident, I had horrible abdominal pains. I went to the emergency room. I had a nasty virus and they gave me painkillers. GOOOOOD painkillers. P and me and our roommate were drinking hard liquor. Because I had far less sense than I have now.

I don't know how the hell it came up. I don't know if it was a slip. I don't know if it was a confession. I think it may have actually been a "hey, I love you so much, and there's only one thing I have hidden from you and I want you to know about it" scenario. Somehow, the conversation turned to the fact that D had gone down on me. 

P was furious. 

It was one thing to have "made out" with D, but THIS. THIS!

Of course, I'd never told him I'd been potentially drugged. I didn't tell him I'd been coerced. I didn't tell him that this was either borderline date rape or outright date rape. These were terms I didn't have words for back then. Remember, I'd walked away from the D situation feeling VICTORIOUS. As if.

So P said he would never do that on me/for me/to me again. I know now that this is classic abusive behavior. Withholding affection. At the time, I apologized. I cried. I pleaded. I felt like I was a horrible person. I should have told you. I thought I told you. It doesn't matter. What's the difference? It's in the past. I'm so sorry.

  

I don't know exactly what I said. All I knew is that someone who I (naively) thought I would spend my life with was taking away something. Forever. Because I was bad. Because I was a slut.

Fast forward a few weeks later. P had been out of town for a week. When he returned, we were making out, leading up to sex. He said he had a really special surprise gift for me. I thought it might be an engagement ring. Instead, he started to go down on me.

Instead of feeling happy, I just felt sick. Dirty. Manipulated. Insulted. And then I pushed all those feelings away, hid my disappointment, and fucked him anyway.

I ran into K about 18 months later. P and I had broken up long before then, and I'd moved on to an even more abusive relationship. K looked great when I saw him. Sober. Healthy. Kind. I could tell he really was doing well. 

We chatted for a few minutes. I asked him if he was still friends with D. I think I wanted to tell him what happened, or try to figure out if he knew. He said D was serving time in jail for raping a girl. I could tell from the rest of our conversation that he didn't know what happened. I don't think he told his friends that night that I was a "sex addict". I don't think, if I was drugged, that he knew about it. I think that he was a genuinely good guy.

And I wished then that I had told him, either that night or soon thereafter. And I felt bad because maybe if I'd said something, someone else would not have been raped. And selfishly, I also felt relieved. If D had "really" raped some other woman, maybe it wasn't all my fault after all.

I know that what he did was wrong, but I still feel so ashamed. So dirty. Ashamed that I just sat there while they watched porn. Ashamed that I didn't leave. Ashamed that I tried to sleep there. Ashamed that I didn't leave when D came upstairs. Ashamed that I gave in because it was easier than not giving in. I don't know if I was actually drugged with something, and it shouldn't really matter. I said no. Just because he didn't have to hold me down doesn't make it okay. I tell myself that thinking I might have been drugged is just a way to let myself off the hook. Off the hook for what? I know, rationally, that I should not feel ashamed, but I do.

And the worst part. THE WORST part, was not the night with D. It was the way P treated me. As if him giving back affection that should have never been withheld was a "gift". A GIFT. And even though I knew that it wasn't right, I let him give this "gift" to me. I accepted it. And now, even though I know that he was an asshole, I feel so embarrassed. I don''t want to tell anyone because it will show that I was so stupid. That I am dirty. That I was a slut. That I am a bad person. That I am dishonest. You will say that I had it coming. I got what I deserved.

But even if you think all these things, I still have to tell this story. And other stories. They are eating me alive from the inside out.

I don't want your sympathy. I don't want you to tell me that none of it was my fault, because I know I won't believe you.

I want you to know this, and still be my friend anyway. I want to know that you think no less of me.

October

We were at the Red River zoo on this day, and I thought this summed up autumn in North Dakota perfectly.

Sex...what they want to know

I am teaching Introduction to Psychology this semester. I allot extra time to talk about sex, sexual motivation, and sexual orientation. I leave a drop box at the back of the classroom so students can submit questions anonymously. Where else can they ask? Most of the kids students in the course are in their first year of college--it's the first time they are away from home, with more freedom than they've ever experienced. I think it's really important to inform them about sex.

What kinds of questions did I get this year? I have tried to answer them here to the best of my knowledge, but if you know more about something, please chime in. I will be editing my answers for the class.

• Why do guys like it doggy style so much?
• I don't know how to answer this. Have you considered asking one of them? I know a lot of women who like it too, myself included.
• What is the best time to have sex if you want to get pregnant?
• Did you pay attention in health class? Wait, did you even have sex ed in high school? There's a good chance the answer is no, or that you had a version of sex ed that was "don't do it until you're married". I'm gonna go find some charts and graphs for class.
• What is a G-spot and where is it?
• Is it okay to start having sex without a condom, then add one before ejaculation/half-way through?
• This is a perfect example of why I want you to submit questions. You are headed for disaster.
• What causes whiskey dick? How can they prevent it?
• I think the cause, and solution, are implied in the term.
• Is it more fun to have sex when you're high?
• High on what? I would like to answer your question, but I don't remember. Just kidding. Sort of.
• Is there something wrong if a female doesn't orgasm during sex?
• "Wrong"? I'm not a fan of that word. Do you mean physically wrong? Probably not. Does she ever orgasm? Is she bothered by not having orgasms during sex? Does she orgasm through masturbation? Many women have trouble achieving orgasm during intercourse, but can still orgasm through masturbation. Very few women orgasm with only vaginal stimulation--most require some sort of clitoral stimulation.
• Does size matter?
• Size of what? Heh. 
• For gay men, why is it more pleasurable to have the penis go in the anus instead of the vagina?
• Maybe because they don't have vaginas? I think you are asking why they prefer anuses instead of vaginas? I think it more about preferring men, as whole people, rather than a particular body part. Also, not all gay men are into anal sex.
• Can you get pregnant on your period?
• Yes.
• How have casual sexual relationships undermined the future relationships of today's youth and young adults? Does casual sex affect the monogamy of a relationship later in an individual's life?
• You're religious, aren't you? I don't know how to answer this. Are you asking whether people who have casual sex will later cheat because they had casual sex? A better question would relate to intimacy. If someone only likes casual sex, they probably have problems with intimacy. Those problems with intimacy are what will likely cause problems later. And I'm not sure that young adults today are particularly casual about their sex, from a really broad historical perspective.
• Why do men wake up with an erection?
• REM sleep causes genital arousal in men and women. Women just don't get erections.
• How does one treat orgasmic disorders?
• This is a big question. For most women, they need to find the clitoris.
• Why are animals more influenced by sex hormones than humans?
•  Are they more influenced, or do we fool ourselves? We probably seem less affected because we have TVs.
• What does sex feel like?
•  Depends on how you define sex and who you do it with.
• If a guy ejaculates in a hot tub, can the girl get pregnant?
• Not likely, but I like Glee too.
• Is penis curvature normal?
• Mostly.
• What is the average penis size?
• I get this question every year.
• Are there any taboos left?
• Depends on who you ask.
• Are there areas of sexuality that we don't know about?
• I'm sure there are.
• Is it true that you can't get pregnant if you have sex in water?
• No.
• Can masturbation ruin your sex life?
• I certainly hope not. I think the consensus is that it helps.
• What is the average age to lose your virginity?
• Depends on the culture. In the United States it's around 17, but there are ethnic/cultural variations. In Japan, it's closer to 22.
• When do kids become curious about sex?
• Define sex. Kids are curious about everything.
• What sort of "sexual" behavior do young kids exhibit?
•  I don't know if it's "sexual", but they will stimulate their genitals at about the same age that they disover them.
• What happens if you bleed after sex?
• If it's just a little blood, nothing. If it's a lot of blood, you might want to call your health care provider.
• What if the condom gets stuck?
• Define "stuck". Stuck inside? Pull it out. Hopefully there is no semen in it yet.
• Is the pill dangerous?
• I don't take it. But I also birthed at home and selectively vaccinate. Generally, I don't trust doctors except in emergencies and I don't like messing around with my body chemistry.
• What are the first signs of pregnancy?
• A missed period is usually the first sign.

These are the questions that 18-22 year old college students in North Dakota most want to know.

Collard Greens!

We still have a lot of Halloween candy left, because I dole it out slowly--a couple of pieces a day. I'm actually considering stashing some away for his Christmas stocking...Our neighborhood apparently takes Halloween very seriously, as evidenced by the ridiculous pile of loot he received from 20 minutes of trick-or-treating.

But I digress.

The boy is star-of-the-week at school this week, which means that I was asked to pull together something starry, like family pictures, for the wall. Does anyone have printed pictures just lying around the house any more? Of course, they sent the letter home last Friday, and because I just threw the pile of papers in the back of my car, I didn't notice it until Sunday night. Bah.

Dear Preschool,

If I had time to pull something starry together, I wouldn't be paying you to take care of my child all day.

Sincerely,
Works-too-much

Seriously, though, I was excited about this, but disappointed because we could have discussed this ALL WEEKEND if I'd actually looked at the stuff they sent home on Friday. We could have made a PLAN and he could have helped me pick out pictures and it would have been nice quality time for us.

I found a few pictures and asked the boy to pick out three favorite books for show-and-tell.

I picked him up from school Monday afternoon, and he was excited that Teacher V. had read his books to the WHOLE CLASS and Teacher V. wanted to know where I got one of the books so she could get it for the classroom.

I asked boy what he wanted to take for show-and-tell on Wednesday. He wanted to take Eddy, our iguana. I explained that we couldn't do that, and suggested that he take in a picture of Eddy, along with a bag of collard greens to show the class what she eats. He was excited about this idea.

Tuesday night, I printed a picture of Eddy and put some collard greens in a bag and told the boy that everything was ready for school. I had been talking with him all day about what Eddy eats so that he would remember that the leaves are called collard greens.

I asked boy if he would like one of his Halloween candies since he had finished dinner and it was almost shower time (he prefers showers to baths). He sifted through the bowl, and said what is this? while holding up a pack of RAINBOW!!! Twizzlers (I would have been much more excited about Twizzlers as a child had they come in multiple colors).

I said, those are Twizzlers.

No, they are not. They are like the bad guy in Candy Land.

Any Candy Land experts out there? No? Well, lucky for you--I AM. I am an expert in Candy Land because I have been forced lucky enough to play it over and over and over again. For those of you who may not be such experts, when you land on a licorice space, you get stuck for a turn.

Oh, they are licorice! You're right--they ARE like Candy Land.

Of course, this meant that we had to play a game of Candy Land before he went to the shower. We played the game. He beat me, and I noticed he had one Twizzler left. I told him to eat his Twizzler because it was shower time. It was a green twizzler.

He picked it up, held it up in the air like a sword, and said,

Dun-duh-na! (bugle horn sound). This is green! It is a COLLARD green!

And then he giggled like crazy at his own joke. Just like mommy does. Just like mommy's daddy does. It runs in the family, and if you don't find it as funny as we do, we'll gladly repeat it twice more so that you are given additional opportunities to laugh at us...

I kind of like having boy around. A mirror.