the New Year

She has been calling.

For months.

Before you get all excited--no, I am not pregnant.

I've been on the fence about another child. I'd always assumed I would have two about two years apart. But then I was finishing my dissertation and applying for jobs and my marriage got...complicated. And I felt like a bad mother because I enjoyed only some of the time with my son and felt trapped the rest of the time and then I realized how much easier it was getting as he was getting older. And then I realized it wasn't getting easier it all, I was just adjusting.

Do I really want to do it all again? And could I live with myself if I don't? Do I really need another child? Does the planet need one? It's not a rhetorical question--if we're all fucked anyway, should I be putting more of my "seed" into the pool so that maybe some of it survives? Or is that one extra child going to be the tipping point? Should I just adopt? If I absolutely want to birth again instead of adopting, is that selfish? Should I care if it is selfish? If my marriage self-destructs, will caring for two be that much harder than one? Can I wait? Will I be too old? Can my career wait? Can I get another job? What if I start another job pregnant? Will I lose my job? No matter what the law says...

I had pretty much resigned myself to just having the boy because my head hurt and I just couldn't think about it anymore. And maybe adopting. But probably not.

Then she started calling. To my son. I came home one night about two months ago and he told me he wanted a baby sister. I asked Hyrum if he had set this up. He was as shocked as I was.

The boy mentioned it again the next day. I ignored it. He dropped it.

Until I asked him one morning, as he climbed into bed to snuggle with me, what are you going to tell Santa you want for Christmas?

He listed the following: a train table, cars, snakes, ice cream, and a baby sister.

Mind you, this was first thing in the morning. A month or so had passed since he last mentioned the sister. He had only been awake for a few minutes before he climbed into bed with me for a snuggle. This was his list.

Smart boy. He'd already figured out that mama's answer to toys she didn't want to buy was, ask Santa for Christmas. Logically, he figured this applied to baby sisters too.

The list remained intact for the next few weeks. When he actually met Santa, he had a bit of stage fright, and only asked for the following: a train table, ice cream, and a baby sister.

She took precedence over cars and snakes.

I thought maybe it would pass when he spent 10 days in one house with 15 cousins. And he did tell his 8 month old cousin, Baby, be quiet! I can't take it! (I have no idea where he learned a phrase like that).

Still, he insists on that sister.

I asked if a baby brother would be okay. He said no. Repeatedly. I tried to explain that mommy is liberal, but not that liberal. I don't think he got the joke.


No baby brother. Just baby sister.

And there you have it.

I should mention that I am an atheist. Mostly. Most of the time. And a pagan. All of the time.

I don't think anyone is running the show. If someone is, I'd like to have a word with her. If there is a god, I think she's maybe omniscient, but not omnipotent. She can see it all, but isn't all powerful. So, she can whisper and wish and plead, but beyond that, she's powerless.

I think we are all running this show and need to step up and take responsibility for the sorry state of this performance.

But, I do like to think that things are...connected. Strange, unexplained, eerie things have happened in my life, and I was not the only one to witness them. If I value empiricism, I cannot discount those things and pretend they didn't happen. They were observed, and by more than one person. And we were sober.

I am not a militant, evangelical atheist. I'm not arrogant enough to think I have it all sorted out. Maybe there are things we can't see or hear or feel because we are lacking some senses. Maybe there are more than 5 senses, and we are just...deficient. Or we lose
them along the way.
 So maybe there is someone calling to him. And maybe not. But either way, it's given me a lot to think about for the New Year.