What do you want?

We'd all had a few drinks. He came back from the toilet, and as he was sitting down with the rest of us, he turned to me and said, so, now that I've had a few drinks, let me ask you an existential question.

There are moments in your life that standout against the background of all of your experiences as if they are larger than life. Because they were moments when your path shifted and threw you off balance. The trail of your life streaming down the mountain was going in was going in one direction, but then swerved somewhere else. It takes your breath away.

What do you want out of life?

Simple question, yes? But when was the last time someone asked you that simple question? Out loud? And meant it? And expected you to actually answer it?

When was the last time you asked it of yourself?


Somewhere in mid-to-late November of last year, I taught section/lesson on existentialism in my Personality course. Existentialism, you old bastard you. Like a tired old bony ache that's  dormant for awhile, but creeps back up  at the most inconvenient times.

What do you want out of life?

An authentic life. Right? But you can't say that. It's a cop-out. Merely asking the question what do you want is a step along the way to the authentic life. At the moment you ask it, you are LIVING the authentic life. Asking about the meaning of life is part of living an authentic life.

What do you want out of life?

To tell the truth, it knocked the wind out of me. Because it's one of those questions you think you know the answers to, but then the words fail you.

I want to be happy.

So he asked me to operationally define happy? Operational definitions are most often given in terms of quantity. What can I quantify? How would I measure it? But in this context--an existential operational definition--I think it can broadened a bit.

to have a good career and be pay off my student loans and be free of debt and have enough money to travel and to not fuck my kid up too badly by the time he's an adult

and yes, I want a career and yes tenure would be nice and I want to be able to do research as well as teach even though sometimes I think it would be easier to say fuck it and just teach at a community college

and I don't have to be the next "big" social psychology researcher, but I want to get a healthy dose of publications out the door

but my career is not everything and so I struggle about how badly tenure matters and how badly I would like to just stay here because there's some job security and I love this town and this department and feel like this is my home


and yes, I really said all of these things.

And all of them were true. At least mostly.

And within a week, it happened again, though less forcefully. And with a totally different person.

What are your career goals?

Oh, for crying out loud. This again? Granted, it is not as vexing as "what do you want out of life" but it still ranks up there as a kick to the groin if you're not prepared for it, and/or respect the person who's asking enough to not make up a bullshit answer, and/or quite frankly, don't know and/or all of the above.

And then I saw M for lunch. And told her I could see myself settling in Grand Forks. And she asked if it was because I really wanted to stay there or didn't want the hassle of moving.

The answer is both. 


I could see myself here for the rest of my life. But who's to say this is the only place like that? What is my frame of reference?

If academic life weren't such a complicated fiasco, I'd move around some other places and come back if I wanted to. But it doesn't work like that. Academic jobs are hard to predict, hard to come by, and almost impossible to come home to. AND at the end of the day, I  LIKE  it here. For so many reasons.

But I can't stop thinking about the question, what do you want out of life? More and more, I allow myself to consider the possibility that what I WANT out of life is THIS. Simply this. Right here. Today.